In
our last portion of merriment, Professor Plum presented evidence suggesting why
he has so few friends among the many-headed of Edland. Tell them they are a herd of self-serving ghouls masquerading as educators and they take umbrage--whatever
umbrage may be, if anything. Result? For the seventh year in a row, Professor Plum has NOT been invited to the prom. [All those wasted hairdos!]
Some collards, however, are not so much insulted by what Professor Plum writes as they are simply stupid. Take this next case--which we shall call "The Mystery of the Empty Head." Our story opens at a faculty meeting....
The Dean asked faculty to have
new pictures taken of our shining faces. We were to stop by
the young woman (in an alcove around the corner) who had a digital camera on a tripod. We were to stand against the wall,
smile, and get our pitcher took. As I
left to get mine took, I said to the assembled, “Gee, and I forgot my Speedo.”
“Ha Ha.”
"Such a comedian."
Well,
later that day I figgered I’d send a silly email around--a spoof, if you
will--to bring a bit of cheer to the collective faculty soul. And here is that mirth-laden email…
Dear Colleagues,
It has come to our attention that the faculty photo camera has broken three (3, trois) times due to the destructive impact of frightful images loaded into it. Apparently, some colleagues are appearing in haberdashery that will not only stop a clock, start a buffalo stampede, and break a mirror, but destroy a perfectly fine camera as well.
Please note that our budget does NOT have funds for an infinite number of cameras. Therefore, in future, ALL faculty are requested to wear TOAST (The Official Approved Smock and Tarpaulin) of the Waddlerump School of Education (your choice of a soothing teal or a perky--but tasteful--periwinkle) when having their pictures taken.
Faculty are asked NO LONGER to adorn themselves with faux funny items such as
** Multi-colored fright wigs.
** British Admiral Nelson uniforms.
** Fake backwoods teeth.
** Groucho glasses and nose.
** Carmen Miranda hats.
** Fake Axe in the Head
Thank you,
The Management
********************************
This message has been approved by the Fish and Game Commission; the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms; and Mel and Ned's Nail Salon and Bait Emporium.
This message was written with recycled electrons.******************************
Modestly amusing, I thought. However...
In
a few hours, Professor Plum received the following email from a collard who has published little of value in 35 years, who has the biggest
mouth in the county, who is dumber than a sack of hammers, and whose life's mission
is collecting as many male “portions” as possible in the time allotted. [Sorry, but that’s exactly what it is.] She wrote…
Somehow I'm back on your distribution list. Please remove. I do not find this attempt at humor humorous. I see it as more harmful that (sic) helpful. In my opinion, humor should make the reader or hearer laugh, not cringe or wince.
Unmann de Guys, Ph.D.
[What kind of ass signs something “Ph.D.”? Like who cares? Note that she implies in the last line that humor has made the reader cringe or wince. You think that's what she meant?]
Being an empathetic fellow, I figgered that Perfesser de Guy's cringing and/or wincing was induced by tight wadding of her voluminous knickers giving her a painful hinderbinder (or self-inflicting wedgie) and a frightening reminder of her mortality. Therefore, I promptly and politely replied…
Oh, go boil your head, you skanky old bat. If you don’t want to read my stuff, just hit “delete.” Be thankful I didn’t post something REALLY funny--such as you trying to sound intelligent. Now crawl back into your funnel web, stick your odious head into a file drawer, and slam it repeatedly.
Actually,
that’s not quite what I wrote. Here’s
what I wrote…
i thought it was pretty funny. so did 12 others. no accounting for humor. Oh, wait. I think I hear your husband calling. There's an ounce of life left in his dessicated frame that you've yet to suck out of him.
[Actually, the last three sentences didn't quite make it to final copy. Okay, it wasn't as satisfying as the first (One must pick one’s battles, if one can) but at least I denied her the abject apology she--a noted harpy and foul blister--has come to expect.]
__________________________________________________
Here's a consolation for our Dear Readers. It may assist you to teach kids logic.
Rules
for Reasoning, or Logical Fallacies Made Easy [Some of these are found in Corrective Reading.]
Big
Ideas
1.
Don’t take the validity of statements at face value.
2.
Examine the evidence, the words, and the generality of the statements.
Specific
rules.
1.
Just because two things happen around the same time doesn’t mean one causes the
other thing to happen. Someone turns up the volume on the stereo and a lamp burns out.
2.
Just because one thing happened (or usually happens) before another thing
doesn't mean that the first thing causes the second thing.
3.
Just because you know about a part doesn’t mean you know about the whole thing. The parts of a sewing machine are light, but the whole thing is heavy.
4.
Just because you know about a part doesn’t mean that you know about another
part. One class in a school learns very little. That does not mean that the class next door learns very little.
5.
Just because you know about a whole thing doesn’t mean you know about a part. A school has low achievement overall. That does not mean all classes have low achievement.
6.
Just because words are the same doesn’t mean they have the same meaning.
7.
Just because a writer presents some choices doesn’t mean there aren’t other
choices.
8.
Just because events have happened in the past doesn’t mean they’ll always
happen.
9.
Just because something happened (or a statement is valid) here doesn't mean it
will happen (or a statement is valid) there.
10.
Just because something happened (or a statement is valid) there doesn't mean it
will happen (or a statement is valid) here.
11.
Just because it sounds nice doesn't mean (it's credible, you should believe it,
it's valid).
12.
Just because it sounds (scary, unpleasant, threatening) doesn't mean it's
wrong.
13.
Just because a person (is a jerk, has some interest in being believed, has to
say or believe what she's saying) doesn't mean she is wrong.
14.
Just because there's no (credible) evidence that a statement is right does not
mean it's wrong.
15.
Just because there's no (credible) evidence that a statement is wrong does not
mean it's right.
16.
Restating a proposition in a different way, and using the restatement as proof
of the proposition, is no proof at all.
17.
Just because something happens as predicted by an hypothesis doesn't mean the
causal variables in the hypothesis had anything to do with it.
18.
Just because the causal variables in an hypothesis did not happen does not mean
that the effect will not happen.
19.
Just because you are coerced into saying something doesn't mean the coercer is
right.
20.
Just because a lot of people believe a proposition doesn't mean it is true.
21.
Just because a big shot in some field says something about another field
doesn't mean you should believe it.
___________________________________________________
Uh, oh....
Professor Plum has just had an epiphany. Dang, I hate when that happens. We thought it was a flashback, but, no, just an epiphany.
There must be a message in seven years of fruitlessly beating my head against the walls INside my edschool. But maybe the message is not, "These people cannot or will not change. They are simply hopeless." Maybe the message is for....Professor Plum!
"Hey, Stupid! Let it GO! This is not about YOU and your WILL. It's about the KIDS. I'm trying to tell you to TALK TO SOMEONE ELSE! Do I have to smite your sorry ass?"
In other words, Professor Plum has been as intransigent in fighting ("I'll hound them 'till they change.") and therefore just as wasteful of resources and kids' lives as his collards. And for much the same reason--ego.
Okay, message received. I've been given the chance to do more useful things. Henceforth, I'll do them, and nothing but them, like writing for folks who might benefit from my guff.
Also, there's so much beer.
"This message was written with recycled electrons.
"
You just caused an uncontrollable laugh attack.
Posted by: instructivist | Sunday, February 20, 2005 at 02:24 AM
Our Superintendent signs his correspondence this way: Dr. Evil X EdD. (Of course to us, he is just plain 'ole Dr.Evil. heh.)
Posted by: EdWonk | Sunday, February 20, 2005 at 10:44 PM